Funny road sign

I wish I'd have had my camera on me. I saw a road sign yesterday that stated very clearly:

"ACCIDENTS ARE NOT ACCIDENTAL"

Well what the fuck are they then?!

Round the house

"The worlds fastest magician" - Bollocks!

Here is a newsflash - Jadugar anand is not a very good magician. He is however, absolutely hilairous. Just look at him on that billboard. That face....he keeps staring at the audience and pulling that face and it constantly made me laugh throughout the 2 hour show.

The indian audience was a strange one, they are not big clappers for example. I was expecting anand's entrance to be greated with a big cheer and raptuous applause - what he got was the odd clap and a cough from someone sitting at the back. Shamelessly though, anand simply stares at the audience in silience, pulling a stupid face until a few more of us clap. A little bit.

He had a fairly big audience in the bloody old theatre, a fair few hundred I would say, and a few of the tricks were pretty good I suppose. Birds appearing out of nowhere and people dissappearing pretty quickly were all quite good, and even though I know how the elephant vanish trick works, it was still pretty good. However, there were too many people coming out of boxes and far too many times when we worked out how he'd done it. Although anand has been touring his show for over 40 years, I dont think any of his tricks would take any real skill or practice. For example, I think I could perform his whole show within a week of practice. All I would need to know is how to work his "Magic" props - Job done.

I did thoroghly enjoy myself though and for comedy moments, the value was through the roof. At the start of each new trick he would give a little speech, and on the last word of each introduction he would pull that face and the sound guy would make the last word echo. So he would say something like, *slow mysterious voice* "Haaaave youuuu evverrrrr, seeeen a mummy appeeaaaar then vaaanniisssh? - Weeeelll my friends, leeet usss goooo tooo......EGYPT, EGYPT, egypt....egypt..." Then he'd pull the face, walk off, curtain would raise and there we were. In egypt. Or, there we were. In an old theatre. With someone wrapped up in bandages on stage.

Bizarrely, the chief of police and some government official came on stage half way through the show to thank anand for the delightful wonderment that we had been shown. Anand magicked them some flowers out of a box in return.

Anand claims to be the holder of three world records - doubtful. The records themselves are a bit hazy though. First off he claims to hold the record for making an elephant vanish the quickest. Hmmm. Then he claims to have driven 300kms blindfolded on a motorbike - a stunt he perfromed to promote road safety. And last but certainly not least he claims to hold the record for longest transmission of a telepathic message, stating that he has sent someone a message using telepathy over 200 kms away, ok anand - we'll take your word for it. But this is what I love about the bloke, these rediculous claims and funny faces! Pure entertainment for sure.

I dont want to be seen as taking the piss out of the guy too much though. I think he really does love his profession and he's keen to keep the magic industry alive. He also makes the best of the limited resources he has and it was quite humbling to watch him and his team perform with equipment and props which must have been 20 years old or more. Also, I'm convinced anand is in on the joke, sometimes I saw him nearly burst out laughing whilst pulling one of his trademark silly faces and at one point I almost thought he was being ironic in his delivery. According to the event programme, his shows are "very rare" yet in the same programme, it states he holds the record for the most amount of shows, 26,000 in all apparently!

Anyway, despite my cynicism and mick taking, it was great and obiviously I bought a T shirt with his face on it. To give you an idea of how seriously the guy takes his magic, click here for a link to a recent news article about the great one.

If he ever does come to a town near you - check him out! Seeing is believing...

Motorbike adventure...

Here is a funny opening sentence:

I have spent this morning bombing round trivandrum city centre on the back of a motorbike, trying to buy tickets to see jadugar anand, the worlds fastest magician.

For the past two weeks we have been surrounded by posters and billboards advertising the magic show that is in town, I dont want to elaborate too much on this as I'm bound to do a post on it after I've seen it, but lets just say the line off the poster that excites me is "Blink, and the elephant vanishes".

So we decided yesterday to go and get tickets - Dennis came round on his motorbike about 10am this morning and it was pretty cool to be heading round the city on a bike for a change, although the brown trouser factor was raised a few notches feeling so exposed to the madmen that drive these roads.

We found the ticket office, and bought 5 tickets for 750rs. Bargain. I just hope he's as good as he claims - more to follow.

It was also nice to get to know dennis a little better. We stopped off at his house, met his mother and his little 7 month daughter, fiona. Fiona wasnt too pleased to see me but ah well it seems I have that effect on babies. That said a strange man with funny clothes and an interesting skin colour bursting in your house unnanounced is bound to put the frigteners up any young tot.

After we bought the tickets we went out to the coastline and walked round the "tourist gardens". Dennis was filling me in on the ins and outs of arranged marriages and I was fighting the typical westerners corner of "Yeah but how can you marry someone you dont know". Dennis gave me an interesting viewpoint to think about though, he said that as marriages were arranged here, people have less expectation to be happy together in marriage so as time goes on, you tend not to get bitter and dissapointed with how things turn out. This means that you either get lucky and fall in love and live happily ever after, or you think "I cant really stand my wife but who cares anyway because I never thought it would work" - Either way your not left feeling any resentment towards your partner. Interesting. He also said his uncle got "love married" (not arranged) and after 10 years got divorced, where his parents were an arranged marriage and are still together after all this time! Pro's and cons for both sides of the coin I guess but food for thought.

Right - its blazing sunshine outside, I'm going to the beach.

The monsoon experience

This week saw the tail end of the monsoon season hitting us here in trivandrum and I've never seen (or heard) rain quite like it.

When it rains, it pours, quite literally, and the battlefield that is the road system round here becomes a real challenge, with zero visability and mentalists on motorbikes. My driver this week decided he would "spice up" the experience a little bit though, and on most days didnt bother putting his wipers on for the whole way to work. I must say I saw this as an interesting deicsion to make, bearing in mind its dark when I go to work. Dark and wet. Dark and wet with pretty much no way of seeing where your going. But give him credit, I managed to get into work in one piece day by day.

I also saw someone else making an "interesting decision" in the rain this week. I saw a motorcylcist pootling along in the driving rain with no form of waterproof and/or coat on driving up hill into the rain. The roads were flooding and the rain was pouring, but this fellows journey on his bike was essential. Now, have a guess at the interesting technique he used to keep the rain out of his face? Wear a visor? Wear a hat? Wear some goggles? God forbid, wear a crash helmet? No. No. No. Its a much better idea to simply ride one handed. That way you can use your other hand to cover your face and eyes, adopting the "peak-a-boo" stance if you will. Literally covering his face with his hand, with little gaps through his fingers so he could "see" the road ahead was order of the day for this guy. Made me laugh anyway, almost as much as....

......possibly the greatest stunt I have ever seen performed on a motorbike. I've seen this stunt a couple of times whilst out here but saw the best example last saturday on the way to the beach. At least the weather was sunny again and it wasnt raining. I like to call this stunt - "The entire family on one little motorbike stunt" and as you have probably guessed from the title, its where the whole family go out for a little drive on one motorbike. Now if this family I saw moved to the UK, they could make a fair bit of money at bike shows and the like, wowing crowds with there lack of fear and daring skills. It works like this. Dad driving (obviously), two eldest sons on the front tank with one holding the handle bars and mum on back sitting side saddle with young baby in her arms. Mental enough I imagine in a straight line on an empty road, let alone mauevering round the roundabouts and junctions of the busy, bumpy streets. I felt like winding my window down and shouting "GET A BLOODY CAR YOU MANIACS" but they all seemed happy so I guess I should just butt out. I'm still yet to see this stunt in the rain but in such cases I imagine one of the sons on the front acts as "visor", probably putting his hands over daddies eyes to protect him from the rain.

One week left....

....and then I'm on holiday for two whole weeks. Cant wait. I havent had any time off for ages and its gonna be good to have Neil back and to see my usual partner in crime, Nick. As mentioned in my last post, the singapore trip is booked for the week after next and the excitment is growing, so expect some updates about that in the next couple of weeks!

There is not an awful lot to report on from last week to be honest. My second week running of solid nights and sleepy days, plus we caught the tail end of the monsoon season which meant lots of rain...rubbish!

The weekend just gone though was really good. The weather picked up and we have been out every night and eaten lots of nice food and drank lots of beer. Friday was the residency hotel rooftop for dinner, saturday was the beach and footy at night and on sunday we hit the beach again then went out for dinner with my work team over here. Had a great time, we went to the south park hotel for dinner and it was probably the nicest food I've had out here so far. We had about 5 waiters dressed in full suits and bow ties serving us all night and the band were happy to take on requests, even pulling out some dire straights out of the bag just before we left.

We were chatting about TV and movies and stuff, and Vikas revealed that his all time favourite comedy was "some mothers do 'av 'em" staring michael crawford. Now, I was very, very impressed by this as it is one of my favourites as well. If you would have said to me at the start of this trip, "I'll give you 10 million pounds if you find me an indian guy, in india, who's heard of some mothers do 'av 'em" I would have said "sorry, thats impossible." But no, not only has he heard of the vintage bbc comedy but it is also his favourite. Brilliant. I wasnt quite drunk enough to burst into my frank spencer impressions but I did a little sort of nervous "spencer style" bite of my fist which was greeted with a huge laugh from vikas - My next challenge is to get him doing some impressions himself which I feel would be very ammusing to watch.

So, not an awful lot to report on then but there is bound to be lots to write about during the next couple of weeks after I've got this last drag down of nights and start spending time with other people again!

Off to singapore...

Just a quick note this one...I'm gonna update for the rest of the week tommorrow. I've just booked a trip to singapore and am very excitied about it. As anyone who knows me well will tell you, I do love my gadgets. I'll be going on the 1st-4th november, and will be looking to sample at least one of the many jazz clubs they have over there and take a few pictures.

I cannot wait - Roll on skyscrapers, gadgets, robots, police strictness and moody jazz.

This weekend...

Alan (all round top bloke and my boss to be next year - above) stayed with us this week as he had some work to do in the indian office. He was only here from tuesday to saturday but it was a good laugh having him around. Alan, suz and myself went to the residency hotel again on friday night for dinner (lovely fish curry) and then went back to ours for a few cheeky drinks. Such a laugh - we all got pretty drunk and played that game where you have someones name on a piece of paper stuck on your head and you have to guess who you are, only asking yes/no questions. Punishment for incorrect guess was shot of vodka. I was chirs moyles (yes! I guessed it and won), Alan was bob marley (didnt get it, took his punishment well) and suz was Steven Hawkins. Hilarity ensued when suz first asked "Have I had a christmas number one?" quickly follwed by "ok have I ever played glastonbury?" - What followed for the next ten minutes were mine and alans impressions of Steven Hawkins singing his christmas number one at glastonbury.

A glance of the watch told us it was half four and with alans taxi picking him up at half six, we pretty much decided it wasnt worth going to bed. So we cranked up the iPod and started air guitaring the shit out of the place.

The next day understandably was a complete wipe out. Hung over and tired.

Today was cool, down to the beach, waves (very strong), sunset, beer, dinner, stop off at supermarket on way home looking like a right tourist and in.

Gotta try and stay up late as there is another night shift looming tommorrow.

In the flow...

This week has completly flown by.

As I've been covering for neil in his absence I've been working 10:45pm till 6am and to say that it has "messed with my body clock a little bit" is an understatement. It hasnt been too bad though - plus the weather has been a little cloudy this week anyway so there would have been a deffo lack of beach action this week even if I wasnt fast asleep (or trying to sleep you pesky gardener).

Its strange, it appears that the two week barrier that I have just broken makes things that I would have been astonished or amazed at only a week or so ago look normal.

Example -

Driving home the other morning from work, about 6.20am. The streets are bustling, the markets are full and all the shabby shops appear to have been open for hours already. The traffic is already building up and driving mentalists, power walkers and stray dogs crowd the streets. For the first week or so I just gawped out of the window and was amazed at all the colours (shops, clothes, food) that were on view. Now it just rolls past. Just as we are about to pull in to our street I glance over to the left and spot two guys playing badminton. Nothing abnormal about that I hear you say... Well, bare in mind this was 6.20am. Also bare in mind that these two men (mid/late 40s) were playing badminton on a petrol station forecort. Yep, just thought they would crack out the raquets and have a few games. At 6.20am. Fully clothed (no sportswear). In and amoungst the people driving their cars in and out and filling up with petrol. Imagine if you or I decided to do that at the local Esso.

A couple of weeks ago I would have laughed, pointed or even told everyone about it the next day but no. I just accepted it as a normal thing to see. I mean, why wouldnt you want to play badminton on a petrol station forecort? Good as place as any lets face it.

I think this demonstrates something though. I think the longer you stay here, the longer you accept the way these people live. Its not seen as weird, its not seen as foreign, its just the way things go down in this part of the world.

Currently....

This week I've been working nights so its mostly been, work, sleep, get up half asleep, work, sleep etc etc So not too much to report.

Alan (my new boss for next year) has been staying with us this week, and despite drinking us dry of all alcohol it has been cool having someone else around. Neil has gone on holiday for few weeks to Bali.

So, as an update, I'm currently:

Listening to:

Hanne Hukkelberg - Little things

Dwele - Subject

Jill Scott - Who is Jill Scott?

Quantic - Mishaps Happening

Reading

Dave Gormans Googlewhack adventure

Attempting to master

Bodyboarding tips and tricks

Birthday

Today was the first birthday I've had outside the uk. Not alot to report to be honest, its been nice recieving texts of good wishes from friends and family but its been pretty much of a quiet one as I'm working an opposite shift to the rest of the guys today. I've got to go to work in a couple of hours till 6am as well so not the best evening in store! Also been feeling a bit rough today so just been very lazy and tried to relax.

We went out yesterday/last night though to make up for it. Hit the beach, went for a nice meal, watched the footy, then came back for a few drinks to see in my birthday at midnight. Me and neil continued to drink till about 3am but didnt quite make it till half 4 to see in my birthday uk time. It was agreed last night that bringing the PS2 over was a good idea.

Had a nice surprise half an hour ago when a delivery guy (closely flanked by the most happy security guard in the world) knocked on the door and handed a cake to me from the indian team (above). He did his best to sing happy birthday to me but failed miserably I'm afraid, succeeded in making me laugh though, as did this (right) which was scanned and sent over to me from the UK work lot, cheers!

Cheers!

Boating on the backwaters of kerala....

Today was a bit of an adventure. We booked a trip on a house boat through the back waters of kerala. It meant a 6am start but it was worth it, plus it gave me and neil a proper chance to play with our new cameras.

First off - we thought it would be an hour and a half drive or so to get there. We were wrong. It turned out to be a three hour drive. After two hours sleep, this is not what you want to be perfectly honest. In actual fact though, it wouldnt be that bad if your driver wasnt a psychopath, hellbent on causing a mass accident, but beggers cant be choosers....

The driver we had to take us to our backwaters destination was mental. No - not mental, mad. No, not mad, I should stop beating around the bush...

He was a fucking nutcase.

By far and away, the worst driver we have had so far.

Now driving isnt the most pleasant of pastimes out here at the best of times, but when you have "Mohammed McRae" driving you its beyond mental. I would have been more relaxed with stevie wonder driving us. In fact, I would have been more relaxed with stevie wonder driving us in reverse the whole way there whilst simultainously blasting out an extra long rendition of "Isn't she lovely" for the duration of the entire journey on some sort of portable casio keyboard. Blind corners, overtaking lorries that were overtaking motorbikes and a general disregard for anyone else on the road was the order of the day, and I cant believe we actually made it to alappuzha to get into our house boat for the day.

A houseboat is exactly what it says on the tin, a house on a boat. There are bedrooms, a dining room and an upstairs and downstairs. The three of us on this boat had a great time, cruising the backwaters and lakes whilst enjoying great food for breakfast lunch and dinner. We stopped half way through and went for a swim, this is me accepting a dare from neil to jump in from the top deck (i'm not that fat, its just where i'm leaning over...)

The first half of the trip was nice, relaxing but pretty plain. There wasnt an awful lot to see beacuse we were on a massive lake and then quite open waters. Houses and odd little buildings dotted the side of the rivers and it was amazing to think people lived out here, and probably have been for years and years. The second half of the trip was alot more interesting where the waters got tighter, so we were able to take in more of the scenery and glimpse into the lives of the people who live out here. They all seem happy and content. The waters here are these peoples lives and whether they are washing their clothes in it or bathing, they seem to have a sense of wellbeing and honesty about them. The kids especially. They come running out and wave or ask for pens (!?) and love having their pictures taken.

Apart from the houses on the sides of the waters, we saw people diving for fresh water shellfish, fisherman and other locals using the backwaters as their main port of travel to get to work.

After spending the whole day cruising round, chilling out and taking in the feel of the place, we moored up in a lovely spot overlooking the trees and sunset. It was here where me and neil really got to grips with our new cameras, taking in the beauty of the colours that were in front of us. After eating dinner facing the sun, it was time to pull away and head back to the port. We met up again with the nutcase driver and took a deep breath as we set off for home. In the dark the danger was probably quadroupled. My nerves really kicked in when after yet another gasp of "Shit!" came from me at the back, the driver turned round smiling a mouth full of teeth and beamed "Confusion!". Yes. Confusion indeed - it was only my tiredness and the thought of the sunset that we had seen earlier (below) which helped my switch off and not pay (too much) attention to the road ahead....

One week down

Last week saw my first proper week in the inida office and it has gone very well. I know I keep banging on about it and I feel like I am repeating myself, but the people are so nice. Really friendly. The indian people seem to have a completely different mentality, attitude and outlook to us back home. There is certainly less animosity and bad blood around the place thats for sure - and alot more smiles, good will and hilarity!

I've already made some nice friends in Shabri, Shyam, Manu (who supports Man U funnily enough), Vikas (DJ Dingu), Sabitha, Harini and last but certainly not least, Dennis. Its a shame I mostly work USA and UK hours, because it means I dont get to see an awful lot of them but I'm sure as I'm here for a while it will be fine.

On firday night we finish at 10pm, and last friday we went onto eat at a really nice hotel. The restaurant is on the 7th floor and is basically like a massive balcony overlooking the rest of the city.

What I like about this place especially is the fact that almost none of the buildings are built higher than the natural surroundings. This gives the place a feel like it is plonked in the middle of a jungle and its all very green. The pic below is the view from the back of our house.