Sunday, November 27, 2005

Shit!

Well it had to happen sooner or later didn't it? I'd gone just over 2 months without seeing anything too worrying (monster flying cockroach aside) and then it finally happened. I came home friday morning to find this little beauty hanging about around my shoes.

The best of it is, I'd been in my room 10 minutes before I noticed the bastard. Just getting into bed and it caught the corner of my eye. A mixture of terror and relief rushed through me. Terror, cause I bloody hate 'normal' spiders let alone big hairy legged motherf*##%$ like this, and relief that I'd seen it before getting into bed and going to sleep.

Right - what do I do now....Smash it against the wall and kill it! No - I cant bare the 'crunch'. Get the guard to catch it like neil did last time then! No cant do that as we only have one key to the house, and the guard now has it as he locked me in. He needs it to let neil in from work in a few hours...we really should get some more keys cut....well its too bloody late now you have an eff off spider in your room what are you going to do about it? Trap it in a glass. Good thinking sherlock but it wont fit in a glass and you'll probably spaz it anyway and end up smashing the glass all over the floor. Ok good point - I'll get a big plastic cup, and a pad of paper and trap it so it cant run off, after capture I can think about what to do with it then. Good idea - go get a cup then....

So I get the cup. And the pad of paper. Return to my room....No spider. Panic. Knowing that I will never sleep in this room ever again unless I find it, I jump up on my bed and scan my room like some sort of security robot.

Finally - There you are! You are hiding in one of my shoes...I can see one of your hairy legs! Now what? You dont want to stomp on your shoes to kill it do you? If you did that and it didnt die then you would have to shake out your shoes and that would cause all kinds of panic wouldnt it you big wimp? Yes. Ok then we'll just wait.

So I waited. I stood on my bed (shoes still on) and waited for it to come out so I could kill it. I didnt have to wait long and jumping down from my bed I took a deep breath as it edged its way out of my shoe. I know its looking at me. It walks a bit to the left, a bit to the right, then it sort of flatterns out like its stretching it legs, warming up. It doesnt know whether to try and hide, leg it or.....

Dear god its bloody charging at me!!!! I knew it sodding would they always do! Right well here it is then, showdown, stamp on it! Ok...Missed! - Now its making a B line to hide under your bed - no way...! Stamp! Missed again! But wait whats it doing now? It has flipped over and its...its...ITS CLIMBING UP MY FUCKING LEG!

I kicked myself about 3 times (looking like a little girl) and the injured beast lay half dead on the floor, twitching. I quickly put it out of its misery and felt exhausted and foolish for being such a pansy. After taking another half an hour to calm down, flush him down the loo and check my shoes for 'eggs' I shakily get into bed. I'd forgotton to brush my teeth so went over to the sink, grabbed my toothbrush and...hmm there are loads of ants in my toothpaste. Lovely. Just about sums it up.

A hilariously funny side effect of this encounter is that I'm now incredibly jumpy. Bit of fluff brush past my leg? I almost hit the ceiling.

It was big though. That picture really doesnt do it justice.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Daryl a.k.a Hutty said...

no joke. i can feel the panic. when i was 15, i didnt get to school til nearly 10 o clock while i negotiated the 'safest' way to remove a big hairy spider. I waited ages before it would move into a catchable/killable position. You see, it was between the angle of 2 walls and quite high up. If i failed, it would probably have wrapped me up in web and killed me (there web is supposed to be stronger than steel, heard it on The Really Wild Show quoted by Michaela Strachan in the late 80's).

So when we headed for OZ last year, I did some extensive research on spiders and it turned out you were more likely to come across poisonous variety's in a home in Sydney than in the outback. Typical. So i slept light the first few nights and banged my shoes on the ground obsessively.

So we left Sydney still 'in one piece' and onto Brisbane where i got uncomfortably close to a carpet snake.

November 27, 2005 4:42 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

A classic David and Goliath tail of war between man and beast. You'll return to these shores as a hero

December 01, 2005 9:00 AM  
Anonymous romo said...

Re Spider. Well, now you know how that bloke Joe Pesci (or somebody)? in Home Alone, felt when one dropped on him. love ROMO

December 01, 2005 4:09 PM  
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